Fragments
by Amber477
Summary: Lupin reflects back on the friends he's lost, whether to death or darkness...memories echoing in his mind from a faded photograph...the history of Moony, Lily, Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail told through fragments. RR!
1. Hogwarts

A/N- The characters of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs, and Lily belong to the brilliant J.K. Rowling. The lyrics at the end belong to Melissa Etheridge's "Ruins."  
  
Fragmented -  
(v.) to become broken ---  
  
Pressed between the pages of book long since closed is a picture that has become faded with age. A picture of five friends smiling and embracing on their graduation day. The days that led them there were untroubled, but the days to follow would be tainted with unfathomable darkness. Slowly, the group would break apart, whether by death or deceit. And at last, only one would be left. Looking back on the life he led, he discovered all that is left of his friends are memories of a happiness he could never reclaim…ruined promises and broken dreams…five lives seared apart by darkness, and forever fragmented.  
-  
first year… --  
  
James Potter hurried down the train corridor, soaked from the rain and trying to find a friendly face in a compartment. His parents had tearfully dropped him off at the station moments before, and he was feeling rather overwhelmed. He had dreamed of going to Hogwarts his entire young life, but now, actually being here was rather surreal.  
  
He reached a compartment towards the back with only one occupant- a boy who looked about his age with mousey brown hair who was reading a textbook with a harried look on his face.  
  
James stepped in.  
  
"Hey- mind if I join you?"  
  
"Go right ahead. I'm Remus Lupin." The boy shook James' hand, and James had an impression of maturity-almost as if an adult was trapped in an eleven-year old's body.  
  
"James Potter." He smiled back, sitting across from Remus.  
  
They had settled into pleasant small talk when the compartment door slid open again. A boy with strikingly handsome features and a wide, white smile ambled in.  
  
"Hello all." He flopped down on the seat next to James as though he'd known them his entire life.  
  
"Have we met?" Lupin looked up with mild interest.  
  
"Not yet we haven't. I'm Sirius."  
  
"Serious about what?" James looked at the new arrival, confused.  
  
"That's my name, you git. Sirius Black." Sirius grinned.  
  
"Nice name." Lupin said sardonically, smiling.  
  
"Whereas Remus is really catching on." James said with equal sarcasm.  
  
Sirius laughed.  
  
"So your name's Remus. And you're…"  
  
"James Potter."  
  
"Well, my friends, are we nervous about the sorting? My cousin Bellatrix told me I better get in Slytherin, or the family's disowning me." Sirius laughed.  
  
"Isn't Slytherin regarded as producing wizards and witches who are a bit…dodgy?" Lupin said tactfully.  
  
"More like evil. Don't worry- I don't plan on following in the family footsteps. I might enjoy the occasional fit of mischief, but I'm not really into the whole Dark Arts scene. Mum was so disappointed." Sirius rolled his eyes.  
  
"My mum and dad said Gryffindor or Ravenclaw's what you want. Hufflepuffs for the cream puffs, and Slytherins…well, you said it, Sirius." James said.  
  
"Well, here's to hoping they sort us where we belong. With the best." Sirius smiled, instantly liking James.  
  
"You're rather arrogant, did you know that?" Lupin pointed out, grinning nonetheless.  
  
"Am I?" Sirius looked confused.  
  
"So do you two like Quidditch?" James changed the subject abruptly, eager to talk about the best sport ever invented.  
  
A rampant debate over the best Quidditch team began as the storm rumbled outside.  
-  
second year… --  
  
James walked into the Gryffindor common room, soaked with sweat after returning from Quidditch practice. He was the youngest Chaser on the team, more in fact, the youngest player on the team. James felt as though he had to overcompensate for his age, and had subsequently worn himself out. But his fellow player's congratulations made up for the exhaustion he was feeling now.  
  
He didn't see Sirius or Lupin anywhere. Looking around the common room instead of right in front of him, he ran into someone.  
  
"Oh, sorry-" He mumbled.  
  
"It's perfectly all right."  
  
James looked down at the girl he'd run into. Her striking green eyes were looking up at him with an expression of competing disgust and disinterest.  
  
"Evans! Hey!" He recognized her- she was always the one who beat him to answering questions in class. And also, she was pretty.  
  
"It's Lily." She said coldly.  
  
"Yeah, I know. Sorry. I'm James Potter, by the way."  
  
"Yes, I know who you are." She said in that same icy tone.  
  
James looked at her, confused.  
  
"Are you mad at me or something?"  
  
"Why would I be mad? You've never even spoken to me before."  
  
"Well, we're speaking now." James said, trying to grin in a charming way.  
  
"Yes. Well. This has been scintillating, Potter. See you around." She rolled her eyes, walking off towards the girl's dormitories.  
  
"What's her problem?" James muttered under his breath.  
  
"Lady troubles?" A rather nervous looking boy who was a good bit shorter than James appeared suddenly at his side.  
  
"Yeah, I guess you could say that. It's Peter, right?" James said, grateful for a distraction after getting rather viciously shot down.  
  
"Peter Pettigrew. That's right."  
  
Lily hurried up the stairs, feeling her heart beating rather faster than normal. What was the matter with her? Stop thinking about that arrogant git, she mentally ordered herself.  
-  
fourth year… --  
  
"You know what just occurred to me?" Sirius said as the four friends sat in the common room.  
  
"Please enlighten us." Lupin looked up with mock interest.  
  
"First of all, it occurred to me that you need to shove it, Lupin. Secondly, it occurred to me that we need girlfriends."  
  
Peter gave something of a nervous giggle.  
  
"Do we now?" James looked up, quickly looking over where Lily sat with her friends in the corner of the common room.  
  
"Yes. Simply because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and a Hogsmeade visit, and I'm certainly not spending a holiday practically designed to get a guy some action with you lot."  
  
"Sirius!" Peter looked around, blushing slightly.  
  
"Embrace the testerone, Peter. I know it's in there somewhere." Sirius rolled his eyes.  
  
"How do you propose we solve this girlfriend dilemma?" James said, cottoning on with a smile.  
  
"It's quite simple. Observe." Sirius got to his feet, and walked over to a tall, pretty blond sitting next to Lily.  
  
"Hey, I'm Sirius," He said in a strangely deep voice, smiling so all his brilliantly white teeth showed, "Tomorrow's Valentine's Day, and I'm available. You interested?"  
  
"Don't do it. He probably doesn't even know your name." Lily glared.  
  
"Of course I know your name, Claire." Sirius said, raising a defiant eyebrow at Lily.  
  
Claire looked up at him appraisingly.  
  
"Claire, come on! He's horrible…everyone knows Sirius Black and James Potter think they own this school." Lily shot a look over at James.  
  
"I think no such thing!" Sirius clapped a hand to his chest in mock outrage.  
  
Claire giggled. Lily sighed, infuriated.  
  
"So you'll go?" Sirius smiled again.  
  
"Yes, all right." Claire grinned back, blushing slightly.  
  
"Splendid." Sirius winked at her, walking back over to his friends.  
  
"Wow!" Peter looked at Sirius in wonder as he sat back down.  
  
"Not too hard, eh, comrades? Now, go on-doesn't anyone want to follow in my pawprints?" Sirius said in a slightly lowered voice.  
  
"I don't even know if I'm going to Hogsmeade- I feel awful." Lupin said, rubbing his eyes tiredly.  
  
Before the full moon, he always felt a state until it was all over with.  
  
"Fine, fine. Peter, what about you?"  
  
"No one would go with me." Peter shook his head, blushing harder.  
  
"Confidence, my little friend. That's what you need. But suit yourself. James, what's your excuse?" Sirius turned.  
  
"Er…" James found himself looking over at Lily once again, and was surprised to see her looking at him. She quickly looked away, furious with herself.  
  
Sirius noticed this.  
  
"James-you have got to get over her. She's not interested. Come on, do you think I'd let somebody who's pining away like a poof be my wingman? You're good looking, you're good at Quidditch- Evan's probably the only girl at Hogwarts who wouldn't go out with you." Sirius said, getting exasperated with his friend's infatuation.  
  
"You're probably right." James sighed, mussing up his hair instinctively.  
  
"Of course I'm right." Sirius smiled.  
-  
fifth year… --  
  
"Lupin, just tell us the truth! Where the hell have you been? Why is your face all scratched up?" Sirius was shouting now.  
  
"That's NONE of your business!" Lupin yelled back, looking pained.  
  
"What could be so bad?" Peter chimed in, trying to coax it out of him.  
  
"Lupin, we never keep things from each other." James said, in a very calm voice.  
  
"You'll all think I'm a freak." Lupin's voice broke slightly.  
  
"We already think that." Sirius said, smiling, trying to break the tense mood.  
  
"Just forget it!" Lupin went to stomp off.  
  
"I'm sorry! Come on-stop being so weird about this, and just tell us the truth!" Sirius threw his hands up in exasperation.  
  
"Nothing could make us stop being your friends." James assured him.  
  
"FINE! FINE! YOU WANT THE TRUTH?" Lupin turned around, now in a towering temper.  
  
"YES!" Sirius matched his rage.  
  
"I'm a werewolf!!!" Lupin hissed through gritted teeth.  
  
No one spoke for a moment.  
  
"Like a real werewolf?" Peter finally said, his voice tinged with awe.  
  
"No, Peter, the fake kind." Lupin snapped.  
  
He looked at James and Sirius.  
  
"Guys, please say something." He begged.  
  
"So you're a werewolf? Is that all?" Sirius shrugged dismissively, grinning.  
  
"What?" Lupin looked confused.  
  
"What'd you think we'd ditch you or something? No way." James rolled his eyes.  
  
"You don't I'm…some kind of freak?"  
  
"Not in the least. In fact, Sirius just got a great idea." Sirius said thoughtfully, carelessly pushing his dark hair out of his eyes.  
  
"Why is Sirius referring to himself in third person?" James looked at his best friend, grinning.  
  
"Because I'm celebrating my brilliance. Are any of you familiar with the term Animagus?" Sirius said, leaning back in his chair, his mouth widening into a wide smile.  
-  
fifth year… --  
  
Lupin looked at Lily's wide-eyed expression.  
  
"So there's the truth. One Gryffindor prefect to another."  
  
"Remus, I had no idea! So that's why you missed those meetings!"  
  
"Yes. It's quite annoying, really." Remus sighed.  
  
"Can't you take a potion or something? To stop the transformation?"  
  
"I dunno. Probably."  
  
"You could ask Severus- he's a total brain at Potions." Lily suggested, remembering the greasy-haired boy who sat close to her seat in Potions and always got better marks.  
  
"Snivellus?" Lupin said almost automatically.  
  
"Please tell you don't resort to the same levels as Sirius and that bloody stupid James Potter." Lily said disapprovingly.  
  
"James is hardly stupid." Lupin said defensively.  
  
"I'm sorry. That was rude. I forgot how you liked them." Lily shook her head.  
  
Lupin looked at her carefully for a moment.  
  
"You really don't like James, do you?"  
  
"I don't like either of them."  
  
"But especially James? I mean, you two can hardly be in the same room without you starting an argument."  
  
"I don't start anything. I just point out when he's being an immature git." She shrugged.  
  
Lupin raised his eyebrows, grinning slightly as he was hit with a sudden realization.  
  
"What?" She demanded, giggling at his rather comical expression.  
  
"Lily, we're friends, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"And I just told you a pretty huge secret, right?" Lupin said, choosing his words carefully.  
  
"Right-Remus, what are you getting at?"  
  
"Can I ask you something? And you have to tell me the truth?"  
  
"Sure." Lily shrugged.  
  
Lupin drummed his fingers on the table, as if deciding whether to ask her or not.  
  
"Come on, after all that, you have to ask me!" She laughed.  
  
"All right. Lily Evans, how do you really feel about James?"  
  
Lily was taken aback for a moment, and felt her heart leap into her throat.  
  
"I hate him." She shrugged, but her voice was a little higher than normal.  
  
"Do you really?" Lupin looked at her, smiling patronizingly.  
  
"Yes! Of course! Why on earth would you think otherwise?" She said defensively.  
  
"I don't know. You just talk about him an awful lot for someone who hates him." He said, his smile widening.  
  
"Well-I just talk about how much I think he's a stuck-up, over-hyped-"  
  
"All right, I get your drift." Lupin said, still with that maddening smile on his face.  
  
"What a ridiculous question." Lily said, tucking her hair behind her ears, flustered.  
  
"Riiiight." Lupin nodded.  
  
"Remus, come on! I mean, James Potter and me? I mean, you claim he's a good friend, and I'll take your word for it, but for me? I mean even thinking about…about kissing him or something…" Lily trailed off, trying to shake a rather pleasant mental picture that had just appeared in her mind.  
  
"Who mentioned kissing him?" Lupin smiled even wider.  
  
"No one! I mean…I just…just drop it, okay, Remus? I don't like James, I'll never like James, end of story!"  
  
Lupin put his hands up in surrender.  
  
"Fine. Just wondering."  
-  
sixth year… --  
  
James sat in the common room with Peter, waiting for Sirius to get back from detention so they could go join Lupin at the Shrieking Shack.  
  
Sirius ambled in, his hands in his pockets, whistling merrily as the dull light of the full moon spilled through the window.  
  
"You're in a good mood." James commented.  
  
"Yes, James, I am."  
  
"Any particular reason?"  
  
"Why, yes, actually," Sirius' voice lowered to a whisper, "You are not going to believe what I just did."  
  
"Try me." James smiled back; Sirius' glee was infectious.  
  
"I told Snivellus if he really wanted to know why Lupin's got all those scratches on his face, he should go to the Shrieking Shack tonight. Bet that'll shut him up." Sirius said, laughing.  
  
James' heart seemed to drop into his stomach.  
  
"You did WHAT?"  
  
"James, what's the big deal? Like you care what happens to that little weirdo?"  
  
"Lupin could kill him!" James hissed as Peter watched their conversation, his eyes darting back and forth.  
  
"No, he won't," Sirius said dismissively, "Probably just scare him out of his wits."  
  
Peter laughed, but James' face stayed stony with fury.  
  
"James, lighten up! Like he didn't have this coming?"  
  
"Sirius, you are so stupid sometimes! You just don't know when to stop, do you?" James covered his eyes with his hands, his head pounding.  
  
"Sorry, mum." Sirius said sarcastically.  
  
"I've got to go help him. Before you make one of your best friends a murderer." James practically spat at Sirius, dashing out of the common room as Sirius stood there, for once in his life, at a loss for words.  
  
"What a buzz kill." He finally recovered, flopping down in the chair opposite Peter.  
  
"Do you think James'll be all right?" Peter asked nervously.  
  
"Who cares?" Sirius growled moodily, knowing he didn't mean it.  
  
"You do. He's your best friend…I mean, you live at his house, right?" Peter pointed out.  
  
"Yeah." Sirius sighed, knowing he was just shaken from James shouting at him. That had never happened before. Maybe he really shouldn't have sent Snape to the Shrieking Shack.  
  
"We should go help James." Sirius finally relented.  
  
So a large black dog and a rat scampered across the Hogwarts grounds until they reached the Whomping Willow, which James had obviously already frozen to allow himself entry.  
  
Sirius and Peter were still shrouded in shadow when James came out of the passage, practically dragging Snape.  
  
"You all right?" James said, a large cut dripping blood down his cheek.  
  
Snape looked up at him, his eyes almost black with hatred.  
  
"Don't you ever touch me again. If you tell anyone about what happened, I'll kill you. I know how, believe me." Severus' voice almost shook with malice.  
  
"What kind of thanks is that for saving your life?" James replied, shocked and incensed.  
  
"I was fine."  
  
"Yeah, right!" James said, surveying Snape's almost fatally deep scratches.  
  
"I hate you. I hate your stupid friends. That will never change, no matter what any of you say or do." Snape tried to walk away, but didn't get that far, as he was limping.  
  
James swallowed hard, clenching his fists.  
  
"Do you need help to get to the hospital wing?" He said through gritted teeth.  
  
"How kind, Potter. But no thanks." Snape looked back at him, clutching his arm, his pale skin soaked with sweat.  
  
"You…you won't tell Madame Pomfrey…or anyone…what you saw, right? Please? This isn't Lupin's fault." James said desperately.  
  
"I wouldn't dream of it. His secret's safe with me." Snape's voice practically dripped with sarcasm as he stalked off as best he could.  
  
The dog and the rat watched this scene in silence. Sirius could feel his heart twist with something…something strangely like guilt.  
-  
seventh year… --  
  
Lily slumped against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest.  
  
"Come on, Evans, the silent treatment's getting old." James sighed, adjusting his Head Boy badge.  
  
"I cannot BELIEVE Dumbledore made you Head Boy."  
  
James looked down at her gold badge with a grin.  
  
"Sure gives us plenty of alone time though…being Head Boy and Girl." He pointed out.  
  
"Oh yes, one of the major perks." She rolled her eyes, checking her watch to see when their scheduled patrolling was over. They still had an hour.  
  
"Will this hatred of me never stop? I've been nothing but nice to you." He sighed.  
  
"I know exactly why you're nice to me, James Potter."  
  
"Oh, do you? Enlighten me."  
  
"The same reason Sirius is nice to girls. You think I'll just fall over and swoon because the rest of the school fancies you some sort of hero? Well, news flash. I'm not impressed with your stupid Quidditch, or your stupid hair, or your stupid Head Boy badge."  
  
"Hey, leave my hair out of this." James grinned.  
  
The slightest flicker of a grin swept across her face, but she quickly replaced it with her familiar icy glare.  
  
They lapsed into silence again. James sighed audibly.  
  
"If I'm boring you, Potter, just leave." She said.  
  
"Okay, Lily, this is ridiculous. Yes, I know I was a bit of a prat when I first came to Hogwarts, and we haven't had the most friendly of repartee since then, but people change! I've changed!"  
  
She snorted with laughter.  
  
"I'm not kidding! Look, Lily, I know everybody thinks I've got everything I could want, what with Quidditch, and Head Boy, and top marks-"  
  
"Really not winning me over here." She interrupted drolly.  
  
"But the truth is I don't have everything! I don't…" James took a deep, shaky breath, "Well, I don't have you, Lily. And I've wanted you for so long."  
  
Another long silence fell between them, but it was strangely charged silence. Lily tried to get her brain to work, but was finding it rather difficult. When she did speak, it was rather weakly.  
  
"The only reason you want me is because I'm the one girl you can't have." She said, trying to ignore how close he was standing to her.  
  
"That's not true! I want you because…because you're brilliant, and you're funny, and you always stand up for people, and you're gorgeous, and you're so passionate about things, and…" James stopped, even though he could've gone on for ages.  
  
They were now inches apart, and Lily's breathing was nervous and erratic. One of his hands slid up her arm, making her shiver pleasantly. He looked just as nervous as she was, which she found strange. Nothing scared James Potter. But now he was practically shaking.  
  
"James…y-you can't just say things like that and expect me to just…" She tried to say, her voice trembling.  
  
His lips brushed softly against hers, silencing her feeble attempts at speaking. Before she could stop herself, her hands slid into his disheveled hair, and the kiss deepened. Lily felt weak, she had never felt like this, if only he'd stop so she could think clearly…if only he'd never stop… -  
graduation day… --  
  
The Gryffindor common room was reverberating with sounds of celebration, as all the seventh years rejoiced in the fact that they were finally done with their Hogwarts education, and the real world was out there waiting for them.  
  
"Firewhiskey, anyone?" Sirius said, a bit tipsy from a bottle he'd managed to coax out of the house elves.  
  
"As Head Boy, I feel I must confiscate that." James said, pointing stupidly, quite tipsy himself.  
  
Lily walked over, snuggling against James as he lazily slung an arm over her shoulders, grinning foolishly at her.  
  
"Bit knackered?" She tried to look disapproving.  
  
"Darling! What an unfounded accusation!" James said, much louder than was necessary, Sirius dissolving in bark like laughter.  
  
"Real nice example, James." She shook her head, smiling.  
  
"Oh, come on, love, you know you can't stay mad at me for long…" He winked, kissing her rather sloppily.  
  
Lily laughed, pushing him off.  
  
"Down boy." Sirius rolled his eyes, looking rather revolted at his best friend's sudden descent into monogamy.  
"What's wrong, Padfoot? Scary to see James in an actual relationship?" Lupin observed.  
  
"Terrifying." Sirius shivered slightly, but to be honest, he really liked Lily and they were so happy together he could hardly hold it against them and call himself James' best friend.  
  
"I think it's sweet." Peter shrugged, looking at James and Lily and feeling a sudden stab of envy. If only a girl would ever look at him the way Lily looked at James…  
  
"So are we sad to be leaving dear old Hogwarts?" Sirius said, levitating the bottle of Firewhiskey over to a group of girls who'd been watching him. He gave them a sly grin, at which they dissolved into giggles. Sirius tucked his wand back away.  
  
"I'm more excited-I mean, real jobs, houses of our own, no more Snape, no more detentions…it's going to be grand." James smiled.  
  
"And the only people from Hogwarts we have to ever talk to again are sitting right next to me." Sirius smiled widely at his friends.  
  
"Sirius, remind us of who else you talked to at Hogwarts?" Lily pointed out.  
  
"Why, Lily! Are you insinuating that I'm unpopular?"  
  
"Not in the slightest. It's just…let's just say, you picked your friends, and have not wavered from that choice."  
  
"Well, that's me. Loyal to the core. I like who I like. And sometimes am forced to like people when they weasel into my group by seducing James." Sirius raised an eyebrow at her, grinning.  
  
"I did not SEDUCE James!" Lily rolled her eyes.  
  
"That's her story." James raised his eyebrows, receiving a punch in the arm from Lily.  
  
Peter, who'd been looking at a copy of Daily Prophet from that morning left on the table between them, looked up suddenly.  
  
"What do all of you think about this Voldemort character?" He said, holding up the rather grisly headline depicting a rash of Muggleborn murders.  
  
"Wow, Peter, what a highly inappropriate topic." Sirius sighed heavily, as he felt the good mood deflate from the group.  
  
"Do you think it's all true?" Lupin suddenly spoke. He'd been strangely silent most of the night.  
  
"Who knows?" Sirius shrugged.  
  
"I think it's true, but the Daily Prophet might be dramatizing it a bit." Lily suggested.  
  
"Yeah, she's right, I mean-he's just one crazy person, how bad could it be? The Aurors will catch this Voldy-whatever and ship him off to Azkaban. Don't worry, Peter." James said, looking very blasé about everything at the moment. Problems of the outside world felt very far away from the common room at the moment.  
--  
  
a/n- posting the conclusion now! 


	2. After Hogwarts

-  
three years later… --  
  
Lily lay awake in bed, long past midnight. James had been gone with Sirius on "Order Business." He'd been gone for two weeks with no word. She knew communication was forbidden in case it was intercepted, but she missed him so badly it made her feel sick. This was so stupid-she was in the Order of the Phoenix as well, why couldn't she have gone? They'd gotten married a week before being asked by Dumbledore to join the Order. He had apologized profusely for bothering them on their honeymoon, but they were desperately needed.  
  
So the honeymoon was cut short, and James and Lily had been swamped with so much work for the Order that they'd barely even seen each other in their first year of marriage. Lupin, Peter, and Sirius had joined along with them, but even with everyone's combined efforts-the powers and number of followers of Voldemort were growing alarmingly quickly.  
  
Lily got up, restlessly pacing the room. So many people fighting for Dumbledore were dying every week…she prayed silently that James and Sirius would not join the victim lists that kept growing longer and longer.  
  
Her heart constricted with worry and loneliness as she stared out the window at the starlit night sky. Suddenly, she heard a stair creak outside their bedroom. Lily froze, instantly grabbing her wand off the night table.  
  
The door opened slowly, and every muscle in her body tensed, waiting.  
  
James walked through the door, and stopped when he saw her.  
  
She relaxed immediately, setting the wand back down on the bedside table.  
  
"Sorry, darling. I thought you'd be asleep; I didn't want to wake you. I didn't mean to scare you." James' said softly.  
  
"Thank God you're all right!" She breathed, racing over to him and throwing her arms around him.  
  
Feeling him in her arms flooded her with relief, she kissed him fiercely.  
  
"Good to see you too, love." James smiled, looking a little surprised at such a reception.  
  
"Sirius is all right, too?" She asked breathlessly, unable to stop touching him, tracing the lines of his face with her hands.  
  
He kissed her forehead.  
  
"We're both perfectly fine. Nary a scratch." He smiled.  
  
She laid her head on his shoulder, not saying anything, just breathing him in.  
  
"I missed you so much." James whispered in her ear, kissing her again.  
  
"I can't stand you being gone like this." Lily said, closing her eyes against the sting of tears.  
  
"I know. I hate it too. But we're helping the Order, and that's more important than anything right now."  
  
"Even our marriage?"  
  
"Lily, please don't…you know that you matter more to me than anything in the world…but the whole reason we're fighting so hard, the whole reason we're sacrificing everything is so that…well, I wouldn't want to raise our children in the world we live in now, would you?"  
  
"I know. You're right. I'm sorry…I'm just…it's just really hard sometimes."  
  
"Doing the right thing never seems to be easy." James said sadly.  
  
"No kidding."  
  
"But, hey-I'm home now."  
  
"Yes, you are…" She trailed off, kissing him.  
  
"Hey…you know if we do want kids…we better not waste anytime…who knows where they'll ship us off to next…" He mumbled against her mouth.  
  
"Why, James Potter, whatever are you suggesting?" She smiled, starting to unbutton his shirt.  
  
"Perhaps I'm suggesting that I haven't seen my wife in two weeks, and she's never looked more beautiful, and I've never wanted her quite as much as I do right now-"  
  
Lily kissed him, a slow, deep kiss that still made him feel lightheaded, even after a year of marriage.  
  
"James?"  
  
"Yes?" He said, slightly breathlessly.  
  
"You talk too much. You've always talked too much." She slipped her camisole off.  
  
"Shutting up." He said obediently, marveling at how he'd ever gotten such a beautiful woman to marry him.  
They claimed each other's lips again with a hungry passion, letting themselves forget the battle raging in the outside world for one night.  
-  
one year later… --  
  
Order Headquarters was mostly deserted except for Sirius and Lupin disconsolately playing chess to pass the time. Lily and James were apparating over, apparently with big news, but in an hour. They'd wanted to tell Peter too, but he was doing work for the Order, and couldn't be reached.  
  
"I hate chess. I've always hated chess." Sirius sighed, as Lupin checkmated him again.  
  
"Sirius-I know for a fact you're far more intelligent than I am." Lupin looked up at him, sighing.  
  
"That's the thing, Moony. You're book-smart, good at logic and things. I'm street-smart. There's a difference."  
  
"Oh, please. You got an "Outstanding" in every N.E.W.T. you took."  
  
"So did you!"  
  
"Yes, well, our comparable intelligence should not end in me winning every game." Lupin pointed out.  
  
"I can't focus! What are Lily and James going to tell us? I mean, they just sent that very cryptic letter-very rude of them, really."  
  
"Oh, come on, Sirius, think real hard. What news could our married friends possibly have?" Lupin put a finger to his chin in mock concentration.  
  
"What? Do you know something?" Sirius looked at him, examining his expression for a clue.  
  
"Okay, someone's been taking his "Stupid Git" pills this morning." Lupin sighed.  
  
"Hey! Random hit on Sirius out of nowhere!"  
  
"Deserved."  
  
"Fine, if you're not going to tell me, I'm going to sit here and sulk until they get here."  
  
"That's just swell, Sirius, I'll be basking in the glow of knowing something you don't."  
  
Sirius thought for a moment, then drew in a sharp intake of breath.  
  
"Do you think Lily's pregnant?" He slammed a hand down on the table.  
  
"Gasp! Could that be it?" Lupin said, his eyes wide with sardonic shock.  
  
"Okay, Moony, the abusal of sarcasm has GOT to stop."  
  
"Sorry." Lupin grinned.  
  
"You really think that's it?"  
  
"Well, the only other thing I could come up with is that she discovered her mad passion for Snape could be denied no longer, and off she went, and James is rejoining our happy bachelor life." Lupin shrugged.  
  
"LUPIN! That is getting verrry irritating."  
  
"Oh, come on, that was funny."  
  
"Fine, I'll give you that one." Sirius conceded, as the door to headquarters banged open.  
  
Lily and James hurried in, looking rather flushed.  
  
"Hello, you two." She said, smiling so wide it looked like her face must hurt.  
  
"Hey." Sirius and Lupin said expectantly.  
  
"Sorry about the cryptic note, we couldn't write anything more-and besides, we wanted to tell you in person." James explained, sitting down next to his wife.  
  
"Tell us what?" Lupin said with wide-eyed innocence, while Sirius sniggered.  
  
"Well…this might come as a bit of a shock…" Lily started.  
  
"But we're pregnant! Or, she is, but you know what I mean!" James laughed, obviously still unable to believe it.  
  
"That's SHOCKING!" Lupin said, and Sirius let out a short bark- like laugh.  
  
"You figured it out." Lily grinned at them.  
  
"Of course we did-well, Moony had one other theory, but it involved a torrid affair with Snape, and I really don't think either of us wants to revisit that frightening mental place." Sirius said, babbling.  
  
This was so surreal-James and Lily were having a baby. His best friend was going to be a father?  
  
"Congratulations." Lupin said sincerely, hugging Lily tightly and shaking James' hand.  
  
"Oh, come here." James pulled Lupin into a hug, clearly ecstatic.  
  
"That really is terrific." Sirius hugged them both as well.  
  
Lily was so happy, but some part of her was terrified as well. What if Voldemort was still around when she had their child? Was it irresponsible to be thinking about children when they were supposed to be fighting a war?  
  
But she took one look at James' face, and all her doubts seemed to fade. She decided something in that moment. She'd do everything in her power to give this child a world without fear…whatever it took. -  
nine months later july 31 --  
  
Lily lay in her hospital bed at St. Mungo's, pushing her sweaty bangs off her forehead.  
  
"Please say that was it." She groaned, looking at the Healer, a tall black woman named Delia.  
  
"Sorry, honey-that was just the beginning."  
  
"Oh, isn't there some magical way to just…pop the kid out?" Sirius looked at the Healer, exasperated.  
  
"Yes, that would be nice, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, birth is one of the few things we witches have to do the Muggle way." Delia grinned at Sirius.  
  
"It's all right, Lily dear," Molly Weasley said comfortingly from her bedside, "I've done this six times." Molly's newest redheaded addition to the family, a baby named Ron, was cooing quietly from her lap.  
  
"So are you the father?" Delia asked Sirius.  
  
"Me? Oh, Merlin's beard, no. We've owled him about fifty times-he's apparating here now." Sirius laughed.  
  
"You'd think Dumbledore could give him my due date off." Lily sighed.  
  
"Well, these things are rather unpredictable-and after that Bellatrix rampage, he needs all the help he can get."  
  
"He should've sent me-I'm her bloody cousin, I'd show her what for." Sirius growled.  
  
Suddenly, James appeared in the room, looking severely stressed and uncommonly pale.  
  
He looked around wildly, spotting Lily.  
  
"I didn't miss it?" He rushed to her side.  
  
"No, no-apparently we've only just started." Lily smiled, taking his hand as her smile instantly faded with a contraction.  
  
"AAAARGH!!" She shouted, nearly breaking his hand.  
  
James looked around at Sirius and Molly.  
  
"I'll take it from here, guys. Thanks."  
  
Sirius looked relieved to leave, and Molly gave Lily a reassuring smile before following him out the door.  
  
"So, your friend-Sirius, was it?" Delia asked, looking after them.  
  
"Yes. Sirius Black." James replied, distracted.  
  
"Is he seeing anyone?" Delia raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Can we focus please?" Lily rolled her eyes.  
  
'Sorry. But DAMN." Delia laughed.  
  
James and Lily laughed despite themselves- they just couldn't take him anywhere, it seemed.  
  
The birth proved to be no laughing matter however. But after what seemed like hours, it was all over, and the baby, a healthy little boy, was carried off by the Healer's assistants.  
  
"I think I've permanently lost feeling in my hand." James laughed, wringing out the hand she'd held onto.  
  
"Oh, yes. I'm sorry, James-this must have been so painful for YOU." Lily practically growled.  
  
"I'm sorry-darling, are you all right?"  
  
Lily nodded weakly, sitting up in bed, anxious to see their baby.  
  
"You know what we never talked about?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What to name him."  
  
Lily thought for a moment.  
  
"I always liked the name Tristan." She shrugged.  
  
"That makes him sound like some pouncy poof. Let's not ruin his life before it even truly begins." James winced.  
  
She rolled her eyes.  
  
"Fine, let's hear your suggestion."  
  
James' eyebrows went together in consideration.  
  
"What about Harry?"  
  
"Like your dad?"  
  
"Yeah-they'd be so pleased, and Harry's a great name."  
  
"I like it. Harry James Potter. Manly enough for you?" Lily smiled at him.  
  
"Very manly." James conceded, grinning back.  
  
Suddenly, Delia returned, a little blue bundle in her arms.  
  
"He's such a happy little guy." Delia smiled softly, handing him gently to Lily.  
  
Lily looked down at her son, and saw him staring peacefully back at her.  
  
"Hey, Harry." James felt a strange lump in his throat as it really sunk in that this was son.  
  
"Mummy and daddy love you so much." Lily touched his warm little nose with her finger, tears spilling down her cheeks.  
  
Harry made a tiny baby noise in reply, yawning.  
  
"He's already bored with us." James laughed, feeling his eyes stinging slightly.  
  
Lily smiled tearfully at her husband.  
  
"I love you so much." She whispered.  
  
He kissed her soundly, sitting down on the bed next to her.  
  
"Now we're really a family."  
  
Lily and James didn't speak for a moment, just looking down at Harry-it seemed unreal that they could love someone so much after meeting him five minutes ago.  
  
"Can I come in already?" Sirius' impatient voice broke the blissful silence.  
  
"Yes, come in!" Lily laughed.  
  
Sirius bounded in.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt the family bonding-I think that Healer was about to manhandle me or something. Let me see him!"  
  
"We named him Harry." Lily said, letting Sirius hold him rather tentatively.  
  
"Good choice," Sirius nodded, looking down at their son with a wide smile, "You know, Prongs, this little guy sure looks a lot like me. Maybe you should ask your seemingly duplicitous wife about that."  
  
"Oh, yes, James-forgot to mention something." Lily slapped a hand to her forehead, as Sirius laughed so hard that Harry let out a whine of protest.  
  
"Please. He looks just like me. Just like his daddy." James took Harry back from Sirius, unable to stop smiling and still feeling that lump in his throat.  
  
"Lupin's said he can't stand that he couldn't make it. He's supposed to interrogate Bellatrix-try to get some more leads." James explained, suddenly feeling the absence of their other best friend.  
  
"That woman is bound and determined to ruin Harry's birthday." Sirius shook his head, fleeting memories of his dark-haired, dark-eyed cousin entering his mind and making him shudder.  
  
Peter suddenly burst into the room.  
  
"Wormtail?" Sirius looked shocked more than excited.  
  
"Where have you BEEN?" James looked at him, blinking in surprise.  
  
"Had a little run-in with some rather shady characters-but I'm sure no one wants to hear about that now, let me see the little one!"  
  
"Peter-you've been gone for a year." James said, holding Harry a little tighter.  
  
His friend's eyes were darting around the room in a rather strange, shifty way, and he was pale and thin.  
  
"I know; it was awful. But I'm here now, and I only just heard the news! Congratulations!"  
  
Peter's war-worn appearance and shaking voice unnerved all of them, sucking the joyful mood of the room.  
  
"Well-I'm sure Lily needs some rest. Maybe we should leave the Potters to themselves." Sirius clapped his hands together, noticing the sudden awkwardness.  
  
"Oh, yes, all right." Peter looked very disappointed over his friend's lack of excitement at his return.  
  
Sirius and Peter left, walking down the hall.  
  
"Glad you're all right." Sirius said, still feeling that uncomfortable air.  
  
"Thanks. It's great to see you all again." Peter smiled widely, revealing missing teeth.  
  
Sirius was about to ask what had really happened to him, when the other members of the Order who could make it to St. Mungo's spotted Peter, and he was swamped with greetings.  
  
"I think I left something in the room…" Sirius muttered an excuse, hurrying back to Lily and James' room.  
  
"Hey, guys." He entered, flopping down in the chair next to the bed, feeling very strange indeed after seeing Peter again.  
  
"We just can't get rid of you, can we?" Lily teased.  
  
"I'm afraid not. Next thing you know, I'll live at your house, and we can be a regular Three's Company." Sirius shrugged.  
  
"Weird seeing Wormtail again. He looks a state, eh?" James said, still holding Harry.  
  
"I know. Seems to be in a state as well." Lily added.  
  
No one seemed to know what else to say about this.  
  
"Hey, Sirius?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Lily and I actually wanted to ask you something."  
  
"No, I won't baby-sit." Sirius grinned.  
  
"We're serious." Lily said.  
  
"No, I'm Sirius."  
  
"Padfoot, come on! We're really trying to ask you something!" James said, exasperated.  
  
"Sorry." Sirius said, his grin fading. Their solemn expressions were really freaking him out.  
  
"No need to look terrified. We just wanted to ask you…if you would be Harry's godfather." Lily said, reaching out to take his hand.  
  
Sirius blinked in shock.  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Who better? You've been my best friend since I was eleven. I mean, don't run away screaming at this, but I love you, and believe me, you're the only guy I'd ever say that to." James smiled at him warmly.  
  
Sirius laughed, looking a little overwhelmed.  
  
"We both love you, Sirius. You've always been there for James, and you were so great to me once I got to know you. And we couldn't ask for a better person to take care of Harry if…if we were no longer able to."  
  
Sirius cleared his throat as they watched him expectantly.  
  
"Of course. Of course I'll be Harry's godfather." He finally said, looking very touched indeed.  
  
Now all three of them were practically in tears, even Sirius, who would vehemently deny this later.  
-  
eight months later… --  
  
Sirius, Lupin, and Peter all sat around the Potter's kitchen table. Lily was attempting to put Harry to sleep as James paced around the kitchen. The only sounds were the steady ticking of the clock and the loud wails of Harry from upstairs.  
  
"Why doesn't he ever want to sleep?" James sighed, messing up his hair with one hand.  
  
"James, please, you have to make a decision." Lupin prodded gently.  
  
"I don't know! What am I supposed to say? That we'll go into hiding?"  
  
"I don't see that you have any other choice." Lupin's voice was tinged with sadness.  
  
The latest Death Eater they had captured and interrogated had finally broken, and let them know that the Potters were next. Voldemort was planning to murder them personally to 'reward' all the work they'd done for the Order. Dumbledore had sent Sirius, Lupin, and Peter to try to persuade Lily and James to go into hiding and choose a Secret Keeper.  
  
"This is ridiculous! Harry's not even a year old yet! We can't just go traipsing about the globe anymore!"  
  
Lily had entered, dark circles framing her green eyes.  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
James rather testily explained the situation to her.  
  
"We have to hide." She looked at him desperately.  
  
"Where? Where do we go, Lily?" He slammed a fist down on the table.  
  
She fell silent, looking at the livid expression on her husband's face.  
  
Suddenly, an owl fluttered into the room. Lupin sighed, opening the envelope. He scanned it quickly, and his mouth tightened into a thin line.  
  
"What's wrong?" James asked, grateful for a distraction.  
  
"The Longbottoms. They're in St. Mungo's. Somehow, Bellatrix got their wands away from them until they were tortured into insanity. They have a son about Harry's age."  
  
No one spoke.  
  
"I should go-Dumbledore says he'd appreciate if I could tell the Longbottom's mother what happened. Says I have a talent for breaking bad news gently." Lupin put his head in his hands, exhausted. But after a moment, he got up and picked up his coat.  
  
"Please tell me whatever you decide." He embraced Lily and James tightly.  
  
With that he was gone.  
  
"We have to hide." Lily repeated, her eyes wet with tears.  
  
The Longbottoms had been their friends, and now Voldemort had gotten to them.  
  
"If we don't, Voldemort'll kill Harry too." She said, her voice choking.  
  
"You're right." James finally relented.  
  
They all sat in thought for a moment.  
  
"My mum…when she died," James began, "She left us that estate in Ireland. We can protect it with charms and such, and hide out there."  
  
"Sirius, will you be our Secret Keeper? We'll tell you exactly where it is, and you'll have go into hiding." Lily sat down next to him.  
  
Sirius considered this for a moment.  
  
"Voldemort…he knows we're friends. I don't know how he knows, but Lupin said that Bellatrix told him that Voldemort's aware I'm your best friend. I'll be the first person he tries to track down…and he has methods of making me talk I'm not even sure I could fight. I'd die to keep the secret, of course I would, but it might not be my choice. Let Peter do it."  
  
Lily and James looked over at Peter as if only just realizing he was there.  
  
"Wouldn't Voldemort know Peter was our friend?" Lily queried.  
  
"Bellatrix didn't even mention Peter, according to Lupin." Sirius shrugged.  
  
Peter was inwardly begging for them to choose him-it would make everything that much easier.  
  
"Peter, would you be willing to go into hiding with our location?" Lily asked him.  
  
"I'd be proud to do it." He said, feeling his hands shake slightly as guilt overwhelmed him. But facing the wrath of Sirius if he betrayed them seemed more manageable than the wrath of Lord Voldemort.  
  
"Thank you. Thank you so much." James sat down next to Peter, his eyes shining with gratefulness.  
  
"Of course. I'm your friend. What did you expect?" Peter laughed nervously.  
  
"I'll tell Lupin you've chosen me. That way, if they go after him, he'll lead them in the wrong direction." Sirius got up to leave so they could give Peter all the information.  
  
Suddenly, he looked back, struck with the fact that this would be the last time he'd see them for awhile. A large lump formed in his throat.  
  
"James…please be careful." Sirius said, his voice strangely shaky.  
  
James got up, hugging him tightly and saying strongly, "Of course we will."  
  
He hugged Lily next, who whispered in his ear, "If we don't make it out of this, and Harry does…"  
  
"I'll take care of him. I promise you, Lily."  
  
"Thank you." Tears were streaming down her face now.  
  
Sirius merely nodded, and left the room.  
  
"All right, Peter-are you listening?"  
  
"I'm all ears."  
--  
  
a/n- grr, stupid wormtail! final chapter posting now! 


	3. The End

-  
six months later… the last day of james and lily potter --  
  
"James! He's walking again! Hurry!" Lily held out her hands to Harry in delight, who was taking shaky steps.  
  
James hurried in with a camera, quickly taking a picture and sitting down next to his wife, urging Harry on.  
  
"There you go son!" He shouted as Harry stumbled slightly, falling into his mother's arms with a triumphant giggle at his feat.  
  
But, as is typical with babies, his happy smile instantly faded into a howling cry.  
  
"Lunchtime, I suppose." Lily smiled, picking him up and carrying him into the kitchen of their palatial estate.  
  
As Harry sucked happily on his bottle, Lily paced around the kitchen, looking at all the drawn windows. James sat at the table, watching his son eat his lunch.  
  
"What's wrong, darling?" He finally asked her.  
  
"I don't know. This has just been going so well…but I can't help feeling that any moment, he'll turn up on our doorstep."  
  
"I know what you mean. But Peter's still safely in hiding…if he wasn't, Sirius would come tell us immediately."  
  
"Sirius doesn't know where we are." Lily sighed.  
  
"He'd find a way."  
  
She nodded, picking up Harry's bottle as he threw it to the ground.  
  
"Come on, Harry-just finish your lunch and you can go take your nap." She said gently, handing the bottle back to him.  
  
Harry turned his face away obstinately.  
  
"NO." He said simply.  
  
"His new favorite word, apparently." James laughed.  
  
"I'll go put him down. He's in a bit of a sullen mood today." She picked Harry up, taking him upstairs.  
  
"Aren't we all." James said under his breath.  
  
Truth be told, he hated being here. He hated them not knowing anything. He hated not seeing Sirius, Lupin, and Peter. He had grown so accustomed to them being a regular part of his life that it was strange to be without them. And he was so afraid of losing Harry and Lily that he couldn't stop thinking about what it would feel like to lose them, putting him in permanently depressed mood.  
  
Lily came back downstairs a half-hour later, seeing James looking at the closed window, lost in thought.  
  
"What's wrong?" She asked him, crossing the kitchen.  
  
"What's NOT wrong, more like." James snapped.  
  
"What are you talking about? We're safe, everything's fine." Lily put a hand on his arm, which he shook off.  
  
"How naïve can you get? This is bound to go wrong! Peter's not strong enough to keep this kind of secret, he'll crack the second Voldemort brandishes his wand!" He shouted, suddenly furious and not knowing why.  
  
"You know what, James? Maybe you're right. Maybe that's true. But we did the best we could to protect our family, and I'm thankful for every day it lasts! Heaven forbid something does happen to us or Harry, but if it does, I want to know that I spent every day I had with both of you the way I'd want to remember it! Not brooding out the window and cutting me off! You barely even speak to me anymore, James, you barely even touch me anymore-I have no idea why you're taking the fact that we have to hide out on me, but I'd appreciate if you'd give this poor martyr look a rest! I'm scared to death, too, but I'm not letting that fear overshadow every good thing in my life!" She yelled back, out of breath when she'd finished her little tirade.  
  
"I miss them. Sirius and Lupin." He said quietly, not at all the response Lily wanted.  
  
"Well, then you should've married them, if you're that codependent." She spat, her long repressed anger finally getting the best of her as she stormed up the stairs.  
  
James watched her go, sighing heavily. This wasn't right at all. They hadn't had a row in the longest time, but maybe it was good they finally got it all out in the open. But still, he should apologize. She was right. He had been taking both her and Harry for granted, lost in his misery of spending a life in hiding when he'd always met everything else head on.  
  
He went after her, opening the door to their bedroom. She was sitting on the bed, crying into her hands. When she heard him enter, she looked up, her face streaked with tears.  
  
"WHAT?" She demanded.  
  
"Lily, I-"  
  
"Come to yell at me some more? Come to tell me how I'm not good enough to spend your life with?"  
  
"No! Look, I'm sorry for being so selfish."  
  
She didn't say anything, looking at her feet.  
  
"Lily, please talk to me. I really am sorry."  
  
"Well, I suppose that just fixes everything. If you're sorry." She said, finding it felt good to be angry with him. They'd been going through the motions stagnantly for so long, so distracted with everything-she needed to feel a real emotion other than fear and boredom, and anger felt pretty damn good.  
  
"Look, Lily, don't you dare start shutting me out! We're all each other's got now, and I can keep apologizing until I'm blue in the face for isolating myself from you, but that's not what's important! If we can't stand together, we won't be strong enough to face anything! We have to be strong for Harry, and I know you're mad, and I wish I could make everything better between us, but I can't!"  
  
She took a deep breath.  
  
"We were stupid to even get married. To have a child. I don't know what we were thinking-in the middle of a war, we really should've seen this coming."  
  
"Seen what coming?" James asked, floored by what she'd just said.  
  
"That if we'd just stayed detached, things would be so much easier! I just realized that. If I didn't love you so damn much, James, love Harry more than my own life-we'd make it through this. But now…we'll die for each other. It's inevitable. He'll find us, and we'll die trying to protect each other. That's what I'm saying…I'd rather die than try to live without either of you. That sounds so weak, but it's the truth."  
  
"But if we didn't have our family, didn't have people we loved, what would be fighting for? Love's not a weakness, Lily-it's what differentiates us from the other side. If you don't have some kind of cause, then who cares what side you pick? You just go to the highest bidder, and nothing means anything to you. But I do have a cause. And you do too. Our cause is our family. Our friends. You and Harry are the most important things in my life, and that's worth everything. I'm not afraid of dying, if it gives the rest of our world the chance to love the way we did…even if this is it. You were right, what you said earlier- every second I have with my family is a blessing, and I'm not taking that for granted any longer."  
  
She kissed him then, and it felt as if something within them was reconnecting with an outbreak of passion they had not let themselves feel in awhile. When they made love that rainy afternoon, it was the first time in a long time she truly gave herself to him, without the distractions and complications of the difficult life that so often seemed to entrap them. James felt as though they'd been a million miles apart the last few months, and at last, felt closer to her than he knew he could ever feel to anyone.  
-  
that night… --  
  
"He looks so much like you." Lily looked adoringly down at Harry, whose little tuft of black hair was mussed from his nap, making him look even more startlingly like his father.  
  
"Lucky little bugger got your eyes though. That was the first thing I ever noticed about you…how beautiful your eyes were."  
  
"I thought you noticed me because I was so much smarter than you." She grinned.  
  
"Yeah, well, that too." James smiled back, kissing her temple as they stood over their son's crib.  
  
Suddenly, they heard the front door open with an ominous creak.  
  
"James…" Lily's voice came out as a terrified whisper, all the color gone out of her face.  
  
"Get him out of here." James said, crossing to the door, a look of steely determination upon his face.  
  
"What are you going to do?" She grabbed his arm desperately.  
  
"Distract him long enough to get you two out of here."  
  
"I'm coming with you."  
  
"NO! Get Harry out of here, it's the only chance you two have."  
  
"What about you?" Lily whispered desperately.  
  
"I told you, I'm not afraid." James said, as they heard loud footsteps downstairs.  
  
"I love you." She said, her voice choked with a buried sob.  
  
He kissed her fiercely.  
  
"I love you, too. Tell Harry when he can understand…how much I loved him, please."  
  
"I will."  
  
And with that, he was gone, the door closed behind him.  
  
Lily picked up Harry, who looked confused.  
  
"Come on, darling." She said softly, kissing his forehead and heading toward the fireplace in the next room. She couldn't apparate; she'd have to use Floo Powder. She tried not to listen to the shouts from downstairs; right now Voldemort could be killing him. She couldn't let him die for nothing.  
  
As she sprinkled Floo Powder on the fireplace, she watched the flames turn green. Before she could open her mouth, a cold voice echoed through Harry's room.  
  
"Don't even think about it."  
  
She turned around, and gasped in horror.  
  
Voldemort was standing there, his white face and red eyes watching her with some kind of sick pleasure.  
  
"Pity James had to die for nothing. You couldn't even escape me, despite his foolish sacrifice."  
  
She went to step into the flames.  
  
"Do it, and I'll kill the boy before you can take another breath." Voldemort said cruelly.  
  
"You'll never kill my son."  
  
"Oh, really? I've killed thousands, you stupid girl-I think I can handle one little boy."  
  
Lily put Harry down behind her, coolly drawing out her wand.  
  
"Do you plan to fight me?"  
  
"You've really given me no other choice." She said, keeping her voice steady.  
  
Without a second thought, Voldemort shouted "Avada Kedavra!, aiming for Harry, a little to the left of Lily.  
  
A flash of green light shot through the room, but Lily dived in front of it, taking the full brunt of the curse, and hitting the ground with a dull thud, instantly dead.  
  
Voldemort laughed, as Harry looked up at him, his small face confused.  
  
"I suppose it's just you and me now, Harry." Voldemort sneered.  
  
"Avada Kedavra!" He shouted again, but the green light suddenly and unexpectedly rebounded off of Harry, hitting Voldemort instead.  
-  
that same night peter's hideout --  
  
"Peter?" Sirius turned the room upside down, looking for his friend.  
  
Why was he gone? Why were there no signs of a struggle? Sirius suddenly felt very panicked, and didn't know why.  
  
Suddenly, he found the slip of paper with the Potter's new address on it, written in James' scrawling handwriting. That stupid prat had just left this lying around? Sirius sighed, deciding he'd go check on them himself.  
--  
  
Sirius apparated to the front lawn of a palatial estate, and felt his heart drop into his stomach. The Dark Mark blazed in the sky above the house. Sirius suddenly felt himself wretch violently into the grass from pure shock, his heart pounding like a sledgehammer as he dashed through the open front door.  
  
James' body lie limp and lifeless on the floor of the front hall. Sirius couldn't speak, he couldn't breathe, this was too horrible…  
  
"LILY?" He finally found his voice, dashing up the stairs, unable to look at James, unable to let the truth sink in.  
  
He entered Harry's bedroom, and saw her body sprawled out, her green eyes open and unseeing.  
  
"NOO!" Sirius sobbed, unable to stand any longer.  
  
Falling to his knees, he started to cry-deep, racking sobs that shook his whole body.  
  
Suddenly, he heard a soft sniffle from the other room. Harry.  
  
Sirius shakily got to his feet, walking in to see Harry sniffling on the window seat, a lightning bolt shaped scar cut into his forehead.  
  
How had he survived? What had happened? But Sirius couldn't think about that now. He scrawled a note to Dumbledore, telling him what had happened and sent it off immediately with the Potter's owl.  
  
He checked Lily's pulse, and felt her cold, pale skin underneath his fingers. She was dead. There was no mistaking it. Clutching Harry desperately to his chest, not wanting him to see, Sirius went downstairs.  
  
He knelt beside James, and felt the choke of sobs came back into his throat. His best friend, his unbelievably brave friend, struck down as if it was nothing. Not a mark on him…he was just dead. Memories of James flooded through his head like a movie on fast forward, and Sirius couldn't bear it any longer. He sunk down against the wall, holding Harry with one arm, and clutching his best friend's limp body to him with the other.  
  
Dumbledore entered the home seconds later, and stopped dead when he saw Sirius.  
  
"Let me have the boy, Sirius. I'll take care of him."  
  
Sirius didn't say anything, handing the boy mutely to a stricken Dumbledore. Suddenly, Sirius looked up, his beautiful dark features alight with anger.  
  
"I'll kill him! Dumbledore, I'm going to kill him for betraying them!"  
  
And he apparated away.  
  
Harry started crying, confused.  
  
"It's all right. I'll take care of you." Dumbledore said softly, taking the boy out to the front lawn where Hagrid was waiting.  
-  
the next morning… --  
  
Sirius had finally found him. His stupid little stumped body, wandering through the streets as if he didn't have a care in the world. He raced at him, his muscles tense with rage, and slammed him against a wall in a nearby alley.  
  
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Sirius hit him so hard that Peter doubled over, his nose broken.  
  
Suddenly, a small smile spread over Peter's bloody face as people on the streets looked over at them in alarm.  
  
"Silencio." He whispered, and Sirius lost his voice, still yelling furiously but no sound coming out.  
  
Suddenly, Peter adopted a fearful, but very loud voice.  
  
"Sirius-how could you do this? You killed Lily and James? You sold them out to Voldemort? I thought James was your best friend!"  
  
Sirius hit him again, trying to speak but unable to say the countercurse.  
  
"Don't blame me for your guilt, Sirius! Please, have mercy on me-or do you plan to kill me too?"  
  
Sirius looked at him, confused and furious.  
  
Peter pulled out a knife from his inside pocket where none of their observers could see, and shouted in pain, holding up his hand now missing a finger.  
  
"You sadistic son of a bitch!" Peter yelled, in that squeaky voice.  
  
Sirius was too shocked to react for a moment.  
  
"Imperio." Peter whispered again, and made Sirius perform such a powerful curse with his newfound voice that it knocked the people surrounding them to their feet, their bodies hitting the ground with a dull thud.  
  
When Sirius looked back around, Peter was gone and a rat was scurrying into the sewer.  
  
"COME BACK HERE!" Sirius roared, jumping to the ground after him.  
  
But suddenly strong hands were grasping him from all sides, dragging him through the wreckage of the curse, shouting words like "Azkaban!" and "Voldemort supporter!" Peter was gone, and he, Sirius, looked like the guiltiest man alive.  
-  
one week later… --  
  
Sirius sat in his cell in Azkaban, not thinking, barely breathing, shaking with fury and grief.  
  
Suddenly, the wizard guard stepped past the dementors and rapped on his bars.  
  
"Black. You have a visitor."  
  
Sirius looked up in surprise to see who it was.  
  
A man in a tweed suit, his face sagging with exhaustion and anguish stepped in front of the guard. It was Lupin.  
  
"Lupin! Thank God you're here, you've got to help me-" Sirius scrambled towards the bars.  
  
"Mr. Black, I am here on Order business to ask you a few questions." Lupin said in a cold, distanced voice.  
  
"Moony, come on! You have to hear me out! I didn't do this-Peter framed me!"  
  
"Mr. Black, if you don't calm down, I'll have to administer Veritaserum." Lupin said in that same horribly cold voice.  
  
"DO IT THEN! I'm telling the truth!"  
  
A flicker of sadness passed across Lupin's eyes, but clearing his throat, he began the interrogation.  
  
"Were you the Secret Keeper of Lily and James Potter?" He asked, sounding as if it pained him to say their names.  
  
"NO! Peter was, we just told everyone it was me!"  
  
"Sirius, please. You've been convicted, there's no point in lying now." Lupin said; his voice strained.  
  
"I'm not lying!"  
  
"He's clearly hysterical-you're not getting anything out of him." The wizard guard muttered to Lupin.  
  
Lupin nodded, turning to go.  
  
"LUPIN! NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE! YOU'VE BEEN MY FRIEND SINCE I WAS ELEVEN, YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T DO THIS! I'D DIE BEFORE I'D BETRAY ANY OF YOU! IT WASN'T ME! PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!" Sirius' voice cracked with tears, his hands gripping the bars so hard they turned white.  
  
"Save yourself a little dignity, Sirius." Lupin said, looking back at him with a look of such hurt that it broke Sirius' heart.  
-  
fourteen years later… order headquarters --  
  
"Lupin! Didn't know you'd be joining us!" Sirius exclaimed, embracing his friend like a brother as he stepped into Grimmauld Place.  
  
"Well, I'm currently unemployed, so seemed like the thing to do." Lupin grinned.  
--  
  
"Sirius, you have got to stop moping around all day." Lupin said, knocking on his door.  
  
"Easy for you to say! You're not stuck here! You can leave whenever you like!" Sirius shouted back.  
--  
  
"Harry and his friends are in the Department of Mysteries?" Sirius repeated, stunned.  
  
"So it would appear. We'll be back." Kingsley threw a coat on.  
  
"I'm coming with you!"  
  
"No, you're not." Lupin looked back at him angrily.  
  
"Like hell I'm not! He's my godson! I'm coming!"  
--  
  
"Harry…he's gone." Lupin's voice sounded foreign to his own ears.  
  
The best friend he'd ever known gone. Just like that. Lupin's whole life had been littered with loss and pain, but this was too much.  
  
He could barely hear Harry's shouts of protests. A dull roar seemed to echo in his own ears as he looked at the veil that had claimed Sirius taking him to the afterlife. He'd be with James and Lily now. --  
  
Lupin looked down at the picture. They'd all left him behind. Peter's soul long since claimed by darkness, Lily, James, and Sirius happily reunited in the afterlife. He wanted to join the three of them so badly. It'd be so easy, he thought as he held his wand with a pale hand.  
  
What was there left for him now?  
  
Suddenly, the door to his room opened, and Mrs. Weasley looked in.  
  
"Remus, I'm sorry, but there's a letter from Harry. He wants to see you."  
  
Harry. Of course. He was the only link Harry still had left to his family. He wasn't his parents, he wasn't his godfather, but he had to be there for him. He knew how alone Harry must feel now, because he felt it too. Lupin felt the loneliness more powerfully than them all though. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he looked up at Mrs. Weasley with a slight smile.  
  
"Tell him I'd love to talk to him."  
  
"All right." Mrs. Weasley gave him a slightly pitying smile, and closed the door.  
  
He knew he must look awful; he'd barely moved from this room since he'd arrived back. But as he always did, he forced himself to stand up and try to force down the pain. It was becoming second nature by now.  
  
He pushed back the memories and the moments that had flooded his mind as he looked at the picture. He couldn't live in the past forever…but it seemed to be the only place he could find any semblance of peace.  
-  
I will crawl through my past Over stones, blood, and glass In the ruins As I try to make sense In the ruins -  
fin --  
  
A/N- Please leave me a review! 


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